


And the Bad Dreams Lead Me to Calling You

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [52]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:54:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8677234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: Ed didn’t want to call her, didn’t want to wake her, but he had to hear her voice.  The need to know that she was OK was palpable.





	

“Liv!” he sat straight up in bed, reaching out into the darkness. 

For a moment Ed was confused, he was blinking his eyes and searching around the dark room. Ronin had sat up and looked at his master. Ed’s first instinct, which lasted less than five seconds, was to grab his gun. He didn’t feel safe. But then his rational mind cued up and his heartbeat started to slow down. 

It was a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. His brain started trying to pull the fragments of it all together and it made him wince. He knew what it was about, he’d had it before. That goddamn Joe Utley raped and murdered Olivia and he could do nothing to stop it. 

He did it on speakerphone for the entire NYPD to hear and Ed was powerless to stop it. This time he actually got into the house but she was dead on the floor beside her captor by the time he got to her. All he could do was hold her lifeless body and go numb. That’s how he felt sitting in bed, drenched in sweat…numb. Ed started to breathe deeply through his nose and out of his mouth. 

He reached for his cell phone from the nightstand, checking the time. The light was too bright; he covered his eyes against the onslaught. It was 2:52 in the morning. It was still raining out just as it had been when he fell asleep hours before. It was a rainy end of winter, start of spring; Manhattan had been gray for over a week. 

He wanted to be with her tonight but Olivia needed her space. Ed knew what that meant, she was going through hell and didn’t want him to see. He needed to see, needed to help, needed to feel like the room wasn’t caving in on him and he couldn’t breathe. He threw the covers back, got out of bed and went out into the living room. Sitting on the couch with a glass of water felt a little better. 

In a little while the dog came to join him. Having a big head in his lap was a comfort. It wasn’t Liv but it was something. What or who was she holding onto when she had nightmares? Ed didn’t want to call her, didn’t want to wake her, but he had to hear her voice. The need to know that she was OK was palpable. 

His palms were sweating, his heart still beating too fast, and a headache had begun to creep around the base of his skull. It didn’t matter that she would likely be mad that he called. What if she was awake? What if she had a rough night and didn’t want to bother him? Ed hated that she would go through that alone so no one could see her supposed weakness. And he wasn’t trying to be a hero, he swore to himself he wasn’t as he stared at her phone number. He loved her and if Liv hurt then so did he.

“Benson.”

Yeah, he'd woke her. It wasn’t as if he could hang up now. When she woke in the morning thinking the call was a dream she would see that it wasn’t and wonder what was going on.

“Hey.”

“Hey. What's up? Is this a work call?”

“No.”

“Oh God, Ed, are the kids alright?”

“Everything is alright, Liv, I…I had a nightmare. I reached for you but you weren't there.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm not saying we have to spend every night together and I understand that, right now especially, you need space…”

“I wish you were here.” She said. “I'd hold you, stroke your hair, and let my heartbeat lull you back to sleep.”

“I love you.”

She was quiet for a while and Ed thought the call may have dropped. But he thought he heard her breathing and those beeps didn’t deafen him as they did when calls dropped normally. She was still there, most likely mulling over the three words he'd just spoken. Ed had no problem with the fact that Liv hadn’t said it back yet. But he knew that he didn’t feel comfortable hiding it any longer. Not after what happened; not after feeling like he might actually lose her in an instant.

“Liv?”

“I'm here. Have you had this bad dream before?”

“Yeah. I'm not the kind who remembers my dreams a lot, I remember Jason used to have the most vivid dreams as a child and he’d regale us with stories over breakfast. I knew it had to be true because he was five at the time and shouldn’t even have understood half of the things he understood. I don’t usually have nightmares but lately…”

“What do you think…oh.”

“This isn't your fault.”

“I didn’t say it was my fault. Do you think it’s my fault?”

“I just told you it wasn’t. I meant that. Liv, you should go back to sleep. I’ll be fine, I'm just going to have this glass of water, lie here with the dog, and I'm sure I’ll doze off in no time. It’s late and you were sleeping soundly. You don’t have to keep me company.”

“If you're not alright then I’ll stay on this phone as long as you need me to.” She said. “You don’t have to play brave; I know how terrible nightmares can be.”

“You did such a wonderful job in that townhouse, keeping an escalating situation from having the worst case scenario ending.”

“That’s because you were outside on the phone handling it masterfully.”

“I was just doing my job.” He said sighing.

“Me too, Ed.”

“In this nightmare, you're hurt and I can't get to you and it sucks the life out of me.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone about it. I don’t think that I'm the right person.”

“Just tell me you were sleeping well tonight, even if I ruined it.”

“Like a baby.”

“Shit.”

“You should come tomorrow night, stay the rest of the week. Maybe you can work out something with Sean to dog sit for you…or you can bring Ronin here. Noah likes your dog and it would just be for a few days. We can go to sleep together, try to battle those bad dreams.”

“I didn’t want to hover.” Ed said.

“I know, and I appreciate that. I'm not just asking because I feel sorry for you. I do miss you.”

“How much?”

“My arms are really far apart right now. I'm holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder.”

“I'm not entirely sure that I believe you.”

“Tomorrow evening I can demonstrate. I’ll even let you take a picture for the next time we’re sleeping apart.”

“I don’t like sleeping apart, baby.”

He hadn’t meant to say it but Ed surely wasn’t exaggerating. If he could sleep with Olivia every night, nothing would keep him from it. This relationship was nearly a year old now, maybe it was time to see what the future held. They weren't getting any younger though that wasn’t exactly a reason to be more serious about things. 

Ed had tried to bring it up a few times but never quite found the right words. Sometimes Liv’s body language screamed that she was ready and other times she was adding more bricks and barbed wire to her wall. He had grown to love her son as much as he loved her; Ed thought of them as a family. They could be a family. They could be a great family.

“It tends to be more fun together.” Liv said. “Are you going to be alright?”

“I'm OK.” He lied. He would be, hopefully, but he wasn’t right now. “I want you to go back to sleep; I’ll text you in the morning I promise.”

“OK.” She yawned and tried to hide it. “I'm wishing you nothing but sweet dreams.”

“Just your word is going to make it so. Goodnight Liv.”

He hung up first, needed to or he wouldn’t have been able to at all. Ed exhaled and finished most of his glass of water. He didn’t want to check the time but did change his alarm to eight o’clock…he'd be a bit late in the morning but didn’t care. Walking back into his bedroom, he got a Marlboro Mild from the pack on his dresser and lit it in the dark. Ed didn’t need the light right now; he didn’t want it. 

His mind was no longer racing, now it seemed as if it was on slow motion. He smoked slowly and was able to see the smoke circle around him in the darkness. There was something eerie about it; it somehow matched his mood. When the cigarette was done, Ed put it out, and went to open his bedroom window. He got back under the blankets but wasn’t sure how or when he would go back to sleep. 

Olivia, bloody, violated, dead, was all he saw when he closed his eyes. So he kept them open and just laid there. She was fine and Joe Utley was dead. William Lewis was dead. Ed couldn’t protect her from everything but he could hold onto her. 

God, if only he could hold onto her tonight. When Ronin returned, he got up at the top of the bed and cuddled with his owner. He could sense Ed’s need and Ed was appreciative. It took some time but soon he was drifting again, silently praying that his dreams would be peaceful.

***


End file.
